Hands steady on the tabletop last night, I listened
as my good friend talked about the end of her marriage. She held
her body still while her eyes were wide, filled with fear
disorientation of something missed, something slipped, spinning out
into new axis, new trajectories and now saying goodbye
to a planned and precious future.
Haunted by ‘what if’s - Can we go back to a time when repair was still an option?
Sitting there I saw these questions as ghosts, intangible.
We can reach for them endlessly and never get contact.
Just yesterday afternoon I read about golden frogs
that used to exist. Not mythical storybook imaginings,
actual golden frogs that would glow in dusk light in jungles
for the three days they would come above ground
to breed in undulating piles of reflected light.
They quietly went extinct
with only a few scientists witnessing and documenting.
And yellow, red, and blue feathered parakeets
that ate brambles that harmed all other creatures. Gone now.
And ice melting faster, and coral going white
like a terrified face draining of color.
Entire languages gone with an elder’s last breath.
A friend’s dearest friend, Eva,
for me only a name on a text chain, a smiling face in a feed,
died this new year’s eve of pneumonia, 54 years old.
If I stay connected to it all, I know.
Every day is a moment when we can’t go back to what was.
Every day goodbyes, coming faster now, tumbling
away from old foundations.
The temptation to hold on more tightly,
to search for reassurance in familiar eyes.
Needing the strength to let it sift through fingers
loving it,
loving it as it breaks my heart.
I will never see the golden frogs, more ghosts,
but last week a cave opened up on my beach. Tumult of winter ocean
pulling boulders out of place, unimaginable power, shifting sands.
A fairy tale of appearances and disappearances,
Dark openings and invitations.
We must keep finding new magic now.
Every day.
Every day the moment when we cannot go back.
Don’t forget all there has been to love.
Feel the change in you, the wiser broken heart in each step
into an unknown world.